You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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