I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
