I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
