I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
