I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
