spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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