Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize