Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
