I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Randomize
