You smell like a Billy Joel song
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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