Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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