I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
