I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
