I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
