everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
