My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
