If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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