Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
