I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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