That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
