Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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