Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
