I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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