dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
porn star boner night. come get it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
