Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize