i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
