dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
