I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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