Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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