hotel room ftw
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
