gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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