Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
