she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
