I've blown a few things in my day
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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