if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
