Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
