My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
