Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Randomize