i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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