Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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