I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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