We named our party play list daddy issues
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
