i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
