3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
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