I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
