do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
