I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Dick very happy bro
Randomize
