Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
