True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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