When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
