On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
