i permit you to call me
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
