woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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