In America we eat man semen.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
We have started to decorate penises.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
