If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
She made me pour olive oil on her.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
