my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
