My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
