any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
