hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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