even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
