I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
