i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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