He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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