Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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